wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
