what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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