Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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