I think I won the penis lottery.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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