I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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