I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
