Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
