the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
