Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
