used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
