You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
