apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
