I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
