i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
