nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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