You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
