Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
