you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
