Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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