One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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