the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
