If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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