I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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