very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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