I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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