nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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