did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
