My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
This baby is an asshole
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
