Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
