It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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