Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
