It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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