I bet he comes in French.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
