so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
