I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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