I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Randomize
