I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
