the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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