apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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