don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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