Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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