I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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