Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
