I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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