I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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