just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
