you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
