i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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