HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
