I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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